What Would Mary Do??

Many people have an idea that Biblical parenting involves switching your children. I could see how this could be a conception that people have, seeing the oft quoted Proverbs verses that admonish that to spare the rod is to hate your son. I am not going to discuss here what these Proverbs mean or even what the different veiwpoints are, for that is not the purpose of this post.





We are going to discuss a little about Jesus' own upbringing.





In Luke 2:41-52, we see Jesus going into Jerusalem with his family for the Passover. This was a common occurance and shows that his parents were devout in thier religion. At the end of the stay,

"and when the feast was ended, as they were returning, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem. His parents did not know it, but supposing him to be in the company they went a day's journey, and they sought him among their kinsfolk and acquaintances; and when they did not find him, they returned to Jerusalem, "

Josheph and Mary had no idea that Jesus had hung back at Jerusalem, so it's not like he asked to stay there.

they returned to Jerusalem, seeking him. After three days they found him in the temple, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions; and all who heard him were amazed at his understanding and his answers. And when they saw him they were astonished; and his mother said to him 'Son, why have you treated us so? Behold, your father and I have been looking for you anxiously.'

No yelling, no arguing, no beating or Dad brandishing his belt. Just "Why did you do this? We've been worried sick and you've been missing for 5 days!"

And he said to them, 'How is it that you sought me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?' And they did not understand the saying which he spoke to them. And he went down with them and came to Nazareth, and was obedient to them; and his mother kept all these things in her heart. And Jesus increased in wisdom and in stature, and grew in favor with God and man."

Jesus, little 12 year old that He was, answered them back. He didn't get switched for it, evn though they didn't understand what he was saying. They didn't accuse Him of lying to them, even though his "father" had been searching for Him and the temple most certainly wasn't Joseph's house. They went home and life continued.

I think there is much to be gleaned from this passage in scripture. Parenting wise, Jesus wasn't hurt for something that many kids today would get spanked for. He didn't mean to do wrong, so it wasn't a sin. Many kids today don't mean to do wrong, but they are punished anyways. Why can't we just sit down and talk to them about the consequences of their actions, on them adn on everyone else? Breed compasion in our children when they are young, and they will be sensitive when they are older.

For a reference on what the Bible means when they talk of "the rod", http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/weblog/archives/2007/06/index.html#a000070

or this article http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/weblog/archives/2007/03/index.html#a000068

“Come, follow me,” Jesus said,
“and I will make you fishers of men.”

A Story of "Christain" Parenting

I have been reading about spanking and feel compelled to share my personal story with all who may be guided here. Please, do not take this as a "pity party", as I was so often accused of having as a child. And I pray you do not take it as a manual to condem my mother as a person. Or anyone's mother or father. Our parents are people, and most of them really do love, it is usually in their own childhood that the seeds of abuse can be found. God will judge us all, Himself. Please don't take it upon yourself to do so. Mathew 7:1 says, "Judge not, lest ye be judged". That said....

When I was very young, my mom made some mistakes. I don't personally remember them, but I do remember visiting her in jail, and later going to live with her in a home for addicted mothers. In the interm, I lived with my Grandparents, who I have good memories of. At some point, I was sexually abused. I don't remember it, although I wish that I could, to put some closure on it. I wish I knew who did it, and when. I have sporadic memories, and more than one therapist has told me that I block memories as a defence mechanism.

When my brother and I finally got to go live with our mom, she was straightening her life out. She got into colledge, and had her own apartment. I can't rememeber much, but I do remember running away alot. I was later told that I started doing this even younger, like around 2 or 3. I never thought anything of it, until I got older and realized normal kids don't run away, and one foster parent told me, "kids are running from something". Everytime I ran away I got whipped with the belt. I remember being hit with a spoon because I had been bad.

My mom got together with a man who was very "christian", extemely devout, and demanding that we be "good children".

I remember being tickled by my stepdad (who I had to call "dad") to the point of exhaustion. I had been crying and crying, and only wanted for him to stop. It's the only time I remember it happening, but my brother has mentioned that he did it "all the time", and that my brother was angry because he thought I was being tickled in "wrong places". I don't remember this, but my mom also later said that she thinks he was grooming me up for sex, and SOMEBODY abused me. (However, it would be wrong to asume this man was it).

I was homeschooled from second grade on to eighth. I think homeschooling is awsome, and plan to do it with my own children. But I had to do a certain number of pages a day, if I didn't finish, I didn't eat. If I got caught drawing on my pages I got whipped. I love to draw, so I began Drawing underneath y matteress (this was eventually discovered and led to more beatings). If my brother and I talked at all during "school hours", we got beat. I had alot of chores, and we got up at 6 every morning to begin our routine. I washed dishes every day, three times a day. If one dish had a speck, I had to rewash the entire load. I swept the floor until nary a speck came up. If my room wasn't clean, my mom would go through the entire thing, and anything not "put away" was immediatly thrown out.

These are just a small sampling of practices. My mom would tell the offending party to "go to the room". I would get sick immeadiatly and begin crying. She would leave me back there until I calmed down, at least externally. Then she would come back and tell me to get undressed, and "lay down" on the bed. I was whipped with a belt or with this white rod that I remember was very thin and caused my skin to welt and bleed. If I jumped or cried, I got whipped more, usually 10 swats per move. I was routinly beaten until I no longer made any noise. Eventually in the course of a through whipping, you no longer feel any pain. You are just tired, and sore. Then I was allowed to get up and go back to the kitchen to finish my studies. I couldn't sit right, but I had to, otherwise I was bound for another round. Meanwhile, it was my brother's turn. Now the punishment really began. I could hear each swat, each scream. My own freshly beaten skin was aching, and if it went the other way, with him first? Then my already tender skin cried out and my stomache was tied in knots thinking about what was to come. Baths were excrutiating, and half the time I wasn't fed because I didn't do everything perfectly.

All of the things I have read about what Dobson and others like him endorse is exactly what I endured as a child. Ridicule, shame, and the assumption that if you are not perfect, you're nothing, has followed me to this day. The beatings, everything.

I acted out in many ways. I tortured my siblings. I beat the dogs into submission, my brother chased me with knives and we both ran away repeatedly. I was anti social, and am still panicky in social situations. Being tickled makes me angry and I want to kill. My stepdad's name makes me literally naseated, and authority figures make me want to roll over and piddle my pants. I rebell against cleaning, and spent three years in therapy for a packrat tendency, literally crying over the loss of a scrap of paper. I used drugs and have sought unhealthy relasionships. I have an all-or-nothing mentality, and I suffer from periodic deppression and constant PTSD. I have irritable bowels and for along time I acted out against the Lord because of my stepdad's relijious affiliation. I thought God was like that.

I gave up my daughter for a variety of reasons, one of them being that I was afraid someday I would abuse her and there would be no one to stop me. I didn't want the same thing for her.

Now I still suffer from the abuse, but am older and have decided to make my own decisions, not allow my past to rule me. My husband (who comes from a very neglectful/abused childhood) and I have a plan that if either one notices unsafe behavior, they will take the children and leave the offending partner until help is gotten and therapy is used to address whatever issue it is. WE have agreed to believe our children over eachother, as it is the only way to protect a child from an abusive parent. WE have agreed that we will have a nonviolent home and a safe discipline plan for our babies.

I have shared this story with you not because I need sympathy, For I am on the road to healing.
Not because I think my abusers wanted to hurt me, For I think they were trying to follow the "christian" authors and give me a good life
Nor yet because I am angry and want to punish my mom, I think I am beyond that now.

I wrote this to spread the word that these parenting techniques are bogus. They will hurt your babies for life. Please, spare your children.

“Come, follow me,” Jesus said,
“and I will make you fishers of men.”

Resources

Here are a few of the internet sites that I have been particularily blessed to find...for your own enjoyment!

1. Forever Families
2. Gentle Christian Mothers
3. Stop the Rod
4. Parenting in Jesus Footsteps

There are more sites, but these are the best, so far. Please, Please read them, but in particular scour the last one, it is by far the most important of the three.

“Come, follow me,” Jesus said,
“and I will make you fishers of men.”