I finally got in contact with my daughter. She is adopted by a family in Pendeton and is doing great. But I may not be as much. Every time I think that I am learnin to accept the fact that she is gone, and at the same time she is both my daugher and yet is not, something happens to throw me for a complete tailspin. Last night I talked to her on the phone, and the feelings inside me were rampant. I don't think I've every experienced such extreme jealousy. Every thing I heard things she's doing, evry time I was reminded that she is no longer my daughter, ters welled up inside of me and I just wanted to cry. I did cry. Big, massive, tears of loss and pain and anger over what could've been and yet never will be.
I try to be thankful for what I have, I try to remember that this was my choice. But I never wanted it for me. I wanted it for her. The choices I made because I wanted her to be safe. I wanted her to be happy and I felt like she needed to not lose another family again. I felt scared, what if I became abusive towards her? What if I followed in the parenting I was taght? I didn't want that and decided I wasn't ready for another bby. I couldn't have a child in good consience. But I loved her so much, and it kills me to think that she is never going to be my daughter. She won't feel like I'm her mom, because I'm not the one she goes to when she's hurt. I'm not the one who cares for in her times of illness.
In a way, my son is now the joy of my life. He is beatiful, fun loving, and a total ham. And when I think about her, I get kinda lost inside. I feel guilty because my son deservres me to love him for himself, and I am learning to do that, however, I think that I have a long way to go before I can fully let go and just be a parent to my son. Maybe it will never happen. I hope so, bt I know she will always be my first child, Caelin my second. Does that make me a bad person? Sometimes I wonder.
2 Corinthians 4:8-10
"We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed"
